Oh, to be the parent of a tween!
Last week my son came home from school and after settling in, sat down at the kitchen table and said, “Mom, what’s an abortion?”
At this point, I am used to the open conversations we have about these sorts of topics, but it never ceases to amaze me the things kids in middle school are exposed to today. To think, when I was his age we were just beginning to be taught about puberty and the anatomical differences between boys and girls.
He shared that his Family Life teacher isn’t allowed to discuss this topic in detail, but encouraged the kids to ask someone they trust. I felt honored, once again, to know he will come to me about anything and isn’t embarrassed to ask questions. We talked about it for a while and he shared the other topics touched upon in class and then he went off on his way. Whew, one more conversation under my belt!
A week later, while having dinner, he casually said, “I can’t believe the kinds of things kids in seventh grade are doing.” I looked at him wide-eyed and asked, “So, what are they doing?”
“It’s gross,” he answered.
“Ah, I know what you’re talking about,” I said. (Mother’s intuition.) He wasn’t convinced, but I assured him that I did and it was something we would talk about later. He tested me, though, to see if I truly understood — he asked me to say the acronym for it; which I correctly answered, “BJ.”
He accepted this and explained, “She’s my friend and I told her not to do it.”
“That’s good,” I said. “You should encourage her to refrain from doing things she doesn’t really understand.”
“Oh, we have,” he said. “All of her friends have.”
At this point I couldn’t go much further into the conversation, because our younger children were at the table, but what a reality check, once again, about the things our kids are talking about at such a young age.
So where does this leave parents — and what should we do?
1.) We have to allow our children the space to discuss these things with us, because if they don’t feel they can trust their parents enough to discuss these topics, they will seek answers elsewhere. (And very likely get incorrect information.)
One of the things I learned at the Internet Safety presentation I attended and wrote about earlier, was how children will seek answers to their questions and if a parent isn’t willing or present to have these conversations, someone preying on children will be more than willing to fulfill that role; kids will often go to the internet to find these things out. We may think our children are too young and have the greatest of intention about protecting their innocence, but the reality is this is what they’re facing in today’s world.
2.) Support your child’s curiosity about topics such as these even if it makes you feel uncomfortable. Be honest and let them know how you feel about the impact this has on young people, but refrain from judgment about it.
Kids are naturally curious at this age, but if they have an open line of communication with you, their parent, and you express how you feel in a loving, supportive way, they will remember to respect your advice when faced with tough choices. The first line of defense for children is our role as a parent. We have to honor their desire to know things and trust our intuition about how to parent our child, but most importantly we have to be honest with them about how we feel and the impact this can have on their life.
3.) Don’t allow your imagination to take over and assume your kids are going to try something because you’ve discussed it with them. Be the FIRST one to talk about it with them!
Oftentimes when a parent sits down and has an honest conversation about difficult topics, kids are more prone to listen to what the parent has to say and in some ways becomes turned off by the idea. If a child talks to a friend or someone on the internet about sex, drugs or alcohol, it can become glorified and made into something exciting. This is more likely going to peak the child’s curiosity and desire to try it.
Unfortunately, it has become much more difficult for parents today to raise children in a safe, innocent environment, but we can provide a solid, secure foundation for their growth and development. We have to pay attention to what they’re doing, learning, and who they’re getting their information from. Be the first line of defense for your child.
I recently began this blog on technology and child safety to share resources and information on a variety of issues our tweens and teens are facing. I have also included links to blogs, articles and support tools to assist parents with becoming educated and empowered with how to protect their children.
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