Anti- Cyberbullying Awareness Campaign Kicks Off

Who is a Cyberbully?

Children who are too
Young to
Be left alone with
Enough time to be
Rude, hurtful and cruel.
Being that most of these children are
Under the age of 18, it
Lies with the parents to
Limit uncensored access to the internet. Our
Young people depend on it!

I was one of many parents asked to contribute to the first ever anti- cyberbullying awareness campaign put together by my friend, colleague, author and teen coach- Vanessa Van Petten. Vanessa has been a long time advocate for protecting our youth online and authored a fantastic ebook- The Dirt E-Secrets of an Internet Kid. She asked us to share what we think about cyberbullying and what our advice would be in an effort to stop it.

As a mother of 4, one who started middle school this year, I have observed how kids interact with one another and at times it’s downright painful to watch. As if it’s not hard enough for kids this age to deal with the stress and pressure they face on a daily basis while interacting with kids face to face, now they have to deal with the faceless torment that enters the house through a cable wire.

We all know what a bully is. Someone who pushes the little guy around; steals lunch money; pokes fun of a fellow class mate; calls people names or makes other mean spirited comments; and acts out their aggression on some unfortunate kid who doesn’t have the support to defend himself or never felt he needed to.

A cyberbully is all of these things and more. Now our children (if allowed unsupervised or excessive access to the internet) can be under attack at any hour of the day or night and once it’s been done online, its there forever. It also deprives children of the ability to work things out (which they often do) on their own, because once something enters cyberspace it can be accessed by countless numbers of people and passed on to many more.

So what can parents do to put a stop to cyberbullying?

The most important thing parents can do to reduce the potential that their child could become a cyberbully is to pay attention.

Know what your kids are doing.

Talk to them about what it means to be kind to others (and talk to them often).

Limit the amount of unsupervised time they are on the internet.

Monitor how they interact with friends, siblings, authority figures, even animals.

Restrict their ability to participate in social networking sites (especially if they are underage) where they can spread hurtful things about others.

The most important thing parents can do to reduce the potential that their child could become a victim to a cyberbully is to pay attention. Pay attention to their mood. Often times the first sign that something is bothering a child is a shift in their behavior.

Does she seem depressed? Emotional- angry or sad

Is he avoiding interaction with other kids

Loss of desire to use the internet (or other technological devices like a cell phone)?

Acting out toward a sibling or being overly disrespectful

Find ways to communicate with your child if you suspect they are the target of another’s cruelty and report it. There are many company’s who specialize in monitoring these types of things and by reporting suspicious behavior, they can work on putting a stop to it before it spirals out of control.

Cyberbully’s have changed the way our young people have to manage the stresses of growing up. The responsibility lies with parents being aware of what’s going on with their child- be it the one doing the bullying or the one who is the recipient of it. The more in tune you are to your child, the better equipped you will be to handle a situation before it gets out of hand and permanently damages a child.

For more information about the Anti-Cyberbullying Awareness Campaign visit- On Teens Today.com.

©2009 by Tara Paterson, Certified Coach for Parents, co-author Raising Intuitive Children (spring ’09) www.RaisingIntuitiveChildren.com, All Rights Reserved

Teen Brain Phenomenon is Real!

I was absolutely floored last week, when my son revealed he gave out his cell phone number on the internet! We recently had the conversation about the dangers that lurk on the internet when I presented a program on internet safety to our middle school, so my brain couldn't wrap itself around the fact that he blatantly went against one of the number one rules that are in place for use of the internet in our house- NO PERSONAL INFORMATION is to be given out on the internet for ANY reason!

I was furious with him. I raised my voice in a manner which is reserved for serious offenses and felt panic well up inside of my body. What would have possessed him to be so careless? What part of grooming" did he not understand? (grooming is when a predator will pretend to be whatever sex or aged child he needs to be in order to lure a child into trusting him so the child will reveal personal information). I took a deep breath and sat my son down for a long talk about how serious this situation could be.

This time, I was very specific about what can happen when personal information is revealed to someone he doesn't know. He was in a popular game room for younger children and told me he knew this person was a girl his age from England. I asked him "how do you know she is from England?"

"She told me she is. She gave me her phone number too."

"You didn't call or text her did you?"

"No," he said with trepidation. The cell phone issue is an entirely different beast we'll save for another day. In the meantime, I was flabbergasted that he took what this person said as fact. "How do you know this person is who she says she is?"

"Mom, who's going to be on #$%^& site other than kids anyway?" Ahhhh, I wanted to scream. He went on further to say, "I didn't give her my name or any other information."

I said, "so you gave out false information, what makes you think she isn't telling you things that aren't true too?"

I was puzzled at how he wasn't connecting that if he creates false user information, what makes him think these other people aren't also. It's text book for a predator to do just that. I said, "I think its time we watch the internet DVD together."

I received an Internet Safety DVD from the organization Enough Is Enough which has real, heart wrenching stories about children his age who believed the same things he did. He looked at me with some fear, but I didn't hold back this time. I became very specific about the types of things that can happen to kids his age and reiterated why I am so very serious about the rules involving the internet. I am more than willing to be flexible when need be, but not in this situation.

From there, we talked about the dangers that exist everywhere, even our community. He had a hard time believing danger was close to home because we live in a neighborhood filled with families. I said, "let me show you then." He looked at my wide eyed and said "how can you find out?"

"There's a web site John Walsh started called Family Watch Dog which shows the location of all registered offenders." I emphasized "registered," because I want him to know that not all of them are listed. So we pulled up the web site, typed in our zip code and up popped a handful of offenders. He was surprised and a bit concerned. I showed him where they lived, where they worked and further explained how they could show up in someone's life. He finally understood why mom is always so concerned about where they go, with whom, and why I need to know at all times. Throughout the rest of the day, he randomly popped up with- "mom, I'm sorry." We didn't even have to speak about it. He knew.

I have to reflect on the reality that he is young and his brain is definitely not as mature as I sometimes like to think it is. I remember his preschool teachers telling me how they treated him as though he was older, because he seemed so mature for his age. Children are so innocent they just trust and believe what people tell them; even one's who are noticeably aware and intuitive like my son. I would never have guessed he would give out personal information on the internet, especially because of how open and communicative we are with one another, but the reality is he did and thank goodness I was able to sit him down and paint an unfortunate, but realistic picture. For now, he understands the dangers he has to be aware of, but his brain will undoubtedly lapse again and we will have to go through the process once more.

If there is one piece of advice I can give parents as both a parent and a coach- remember your children aren't capable of managing all of what they are dealt and need your guidance to be constantly reminded of the dangers they have to be aware of. At this point, I needed to instill some fear into the seriousness of the issue. I am all for the innocence I feel is stolen from our children much too early, but safety is the number one thing we have to ensure. I know I did!

©2009 by Tara Paterson, All Rights Reserved

“Mom, what’s an abortion?”

Oh, to be the parent of a tween!

Last week my son came home from school and after settling in, sat down at the kitchen table and said, “Mom, what’s an abortion?”

At this point, I am used to the open conversations we have about these sorts of topics, but it never ceases to amaze me the things kids in middle school are exposed to today. To think, when I was his age we were just beginning to be taught about puberty and the anatomical differences between boys and girls.

He shared that his Family Life teacher isn’t allowed to discuss this topic in detail, but encouraged the kids to ask someone they trust. I felt honored, once again, to know he will come to me about anything and isn’t embarrassed to ask questions. We talked about it for a while and he shared the other topics touched upon in class and then he went off on his way. Whew, one more conversation under my belt!

A week later, while having dinner, he casually said, “I can’t believe the kinds of things kids in seventh grade are doing.” I looked at him wide-eyed and asked, “So, what are they doing?”

“It’s gross,” he answered.

“Ah, I know what you’re talking about,” I said. (Mother’s intuition.) He wasn’t convinced, but I assured him that I did and it was something we would talk about later. He tested me, though, to see if I truly understood — he asked me to say the acronym for it; which I correctly answered, “BJ.”

He accepted this and explained, “She’s my friend and I told her not to do it.”

“That’s good,” I said. “You should encourage her to refrain from doing things she doesn’t really understand.”

“Oh, we have,” he said. “All of her friends have.”

At this point I couldn’t go much further into the conversation, because our younger children were at the table, but what a reality check, once again, about the things our kids are talking about at such a young age.

So where does this leave parents — and what should we do?

1.) We have to allow our children the space to discuss these things with us, because if they don’t feel they can trust their parents enough to discuss these topics, they will seek answers elsewhere. (And very likely get incorrect information.)

One of the things I learned at the Internet Safety presentation I attended and wrote about earlier, was how children will seek answers to their questions and if a parent isn’t willing or present to have these conversations, someone preying on children will be more than willing to fulfill that role; kids will often go to the internet to find these things out. We may think our children are too young and have the greatest of intention about protecting their innocence, but the reality is this is what they’re facing in today’s world.

2.) Support your child’s curiosity about topics such as these even if it makes you feel uncomfortable. Be honest and let them know how you feel about the impact this has on young people, but refrain from judgment about it.

Kids are naturally curious at this age, but if they have an open line of communication with you, their parent, and you express how you feel in a loving, supportive way, they will remember to respect your advice when faced with tough choices. The first line of defense for children is our role as a parent. We have to honor their desire to know things and trust our intuition about how to parent our child, but most importantly we have to be honest with them about how we feel and the impact this can have on their life.

3.) Don’t allow your imagination to take over and assume your kids are going to try something because you’ve discussed it with them. Be the FIRST one to talk about it with them!

Oftentimes when a parent sits down and has an honest conversation about difficult topics, kids are more prone to listen to what the parent has to say and in some ways becomes turned off by the idea. If a child talks to a friend or someone on the internet about sex, drugs or alcohol, it can become glorified and made into something exciting. This is more likely going to peak the child’s curiosity and desire to try it.

Unfortunately, it has become much more difficult for parents today to raise children in a safe, innocent environment, but we can provide a solid, secure foundation for their growth and development. We have to pay attention to what they’re doing, learning, and who they’re getting their information from. Be the first line of defense for your child.

I recently began this blog on technology and child safety to share resources and information on a variety of issues our tweens and teens are facing. I have also included links to blogs, articles and support tools to assist parents with becoming educated and empowered with how to protect their children.

Post Your Question

Ask us your question about technology and internet safety and we will find an answer for you!

Popular Slang Terms Kids are Using on IM

LOL- Laugh out loud
26Y4U- Too Sexy For You
BRB- Be Right Back
F2T- Free to talk
B4N- By for now
H8- Hate
PAW- Parents are watching
WYGOWM- Will You Go Out With Me
WAN2- Want to
A/S/L- Age/Sex/Location
AAF- As a friend
AAK- Asleep At the Keyboard
SYS- See You Soon

Overview of Available Cell Phone Plans for Families

Sprint Service and Phone
* Allows parents to set wireless ‘boundaries’ for the phone to work.
* Controls which contacts can be entered into the phone book.
* Restricts incoming calls to those that are programmed by the parent.
Cost: $79.99; the parental control feature is part of the phone and can be added to your family plan.

Verizon Service and Phone
* “Chaperone Service” parents can restrict numbers and calling times
* “Child Zone Service” allows parents to locate your child’s phone from your phone or computer. You set up the locations such as home or school and receive text messages when the phone leaves those areas.

Cost: The Chaperone service must be activated by a Family Share account, which is $9.99 per month. Chaperone with Child Zone feature costs $19.99 a month.

AT&T “Smart Limits”
* Limits for number of texts and instant messages
* Limits dollar amount of downloadable purchases (ringtones, games, etc)
*Limits times of day the phone can be used
*Limits who the phone can call or text (incoming and outgoing)
*Limits Internet content access

FireFly Phone
* Has 5 buttons to store up to 20 numbers, has designated buttons for ! ! ‘Mom’and ‘Dad’ and ‘emergency’.
* PIN protection allows parents to limit incoming and outgoing calls to numbers stored in the phone book.
*Also has upgrades: GlowPhone $49.99, FlyPhone, $99.99

TicTalk
*Kids ages 6 and up and comes with five educational games
*Parents can put the child’s spelling list in to be used in Hangman.
*Parents control incoming/outgoing calls, the times of day to call
* Cost: $99, $9.99 a month (AT&T only) also pre-paid cards

Whereifone
*For ages 6 to 10 built in GPS, fed to you via web or phone access
*Parents can see where the phone has been- get periodic updates.
* A 20-number phone book where parents can restrict calls
* An “SOS” panic button for emergencies.
* Cost: $80, $20 per month plans

Sample Cell Phone Contract

_________ will be given a cell phone for his/her birthday and will be used with the discussed following rules:

_________All Contacts in the Phone Book must be approved by Mom or Dad

_________No Phone calls after 9pm weekdays, 10pm weekends unless they are to Mom and Dad, or pre-approved by us.

_________Our Plan allows maximum of 200 text messages a month.

_________No Cell Phone at any meal table or during family time (may ask permission if school related).

_________Web Surfing has been disabled.

_________If asked to turn off/stop playing/get off cell phone, must do so immediately.

_________When at home will only use the regular phone instead of cell phone to make calls.

________When out with friends will always have cell phone with you and ‘on’ so mom and dad can reach you if needed.


If the following rules have not been met, we will have to implement the following discussed consequences:

________If you go over in texts, you must pay the difference (the phone company charges 10 cents per text)

________If you go over in minutes, you must pay the difference for that month, if it happens again, then your allotted time for usage will decrease (8pm weekdays, no cell phone on Sundays).

_________If asked more than twice to turn off/put down cell phone, or the phone is used during meal or family time, personal phone privileges will be removed for a day (only may be used to call mom and dad).

________This is a one-month trial period, if all rules are followed for thirty days, mom and dad will increase hours on weekends.

________This contract will be reevaluated every six months as _____ gets older to possibly receive more texts, web surf or receive extra money for ring tones etc.



Signed:

Date:


(courtesy of Vanessa Van Petten, www.OnTeensToday.com)