Teen Brain Phenomenon is Real!

I was absolutely floored last week, when my son revealed he gave out his cell phone number on the internet! We recently had the conversation about the dangers that lurk on the internet when I presented a program on internet safety to our middle school, so my brain couldn't wrap itself around the fact that he blatantly went against one of the number one rules that are in place for use of the internet in our house- NO PERSONAL INFORMATION is to be given out on the internet for ANY reason!

I was furious with him. I raised my voice in a manner which is reserved for serious offenses and felt panic well up inside of my body. What would have possessed him to be so careless? What part of grooming" did he not understand? (grooming is when a predator will pretend to be whatever sex or aged child he needs to be in order to lure a child into trusting him so the child will reveal personal information). I took a deep breath and sat my son down for a long talk about how serious this situation could be.

This time, I was very specific about what can happen when personal information is revealed to someone he doesn't know. He was in a popular game room for younger children and told me he knew this person was a girl his age from England. I asked him "how do you know she is from England?"

"She told me she is. She gave me her phone number too."

"You didn't call or text her did you?"

"No," he said with trepidation. The cell phone issue is an entirely different beast we'll save for another day. In the meantime, I was flabbergasted that he took what this person said as fact. "How do you know this person is who she says she is?"

"Mom, who's going to be on #$%^& site other than kids anyway?" Ahhhh, I wanted to scream. He went on further to say, "I didn't give her my name or any other information."

I said, "so you gave out false information, what makes you think she isn't telling you things that aren't true too?"

I was puzzled at how he wasn't connecting that if he creates false user information, what makes him think these other people aren't also. It's text book for a predator to do just that. I said, "I think its time we watch the internet DVD together."

I received an Internet Safety DVD from the organization Enough Is Enough which has real, heart wrenching stories about children his age who believed the same things he did. He looked at me with some fear, but I didn't hold back this time. I became very specific about the types of things that can happen to kids his age and reiterated why I am so very serious about the rules involving the internet. I am more than willing to be flexible when need be, but not in this situation.

From there, we talked about the dangers that exist everywhere, even our community. He had a hard time believing danger was close to home because we live in a neighborhood filled with families. I said, "let me show you then." He looked at my wide eyed and said "how can you find out?"

"There's a web site John Walsh started called Family Watch Dog which shows the location of all registered offenders." I emphasized "registered," because I want him to know that not all of them are listed. So we pulled up the web site, typed in our zip code and up popped a handful of offenders. He was surprised and a bit concerned. I showed him where they lived, where they worked and further explained how they could show up in someone's life. He finally understood why mom is always so concerned about where they go, with whom, and why I need to know at all times. Throughout the rest of the day, he randomly popped up with- "mom, I'm sorry." We didn't even have to speak about it. He knew.

I have to reflect on the reality that he is young and his brain is definitely not as mature as I sometimes like to think it is. I remember his preschool teachers telling me how they treated him as though he was older, because he seemed so mature for his age. Children are so innocent they just trust and believe what people tell them; even one's who are noticeably aware and intuitive like my son. I would never have guessed he would give out personal information on the internet, especially because of how open and communicative we are with one another, but the reality is he did and thank goodness I was able to sit him down and paint an unfortunate, but realistic picture. For now, he understands the dangers he has to be aware of, but his brain will undoubtedly lapse again and we will have to go through the process once more.

If there is one piece of advice I can give parents as both a parent and a coach- remember your children aren't capable of managing all of what they are dealt and need your guidance to be constantly reminded of the dangers they have to be aware of. At this point, I needed to instill some fear into the seriousness of the issue. I am all for the innocence I feel is stolen from our children much too early, but safety is the number one thing we have to ensure. I know I did!

©2009 by Tara Paterson, All Rights Reserved

“Mom, what’s an abortion?”

Oh, to be the parent of a tween!

Last week my son came home from school and after settling in, sat down at the kitchen table and said, “Mom, what’s an abortion?”

At this point, I am used to the open conversations we have about these sorts of topics, but it never ceases to amaze me the things kids in middle school are exposed to today. To think, when I was his age we were just beginning to be taught about puberty and the anatomical differences between boys and girls.

He shared that his Family Life teacher isn’t allowed to discuss this topic in detail, but encouraged the kids to ask someone they trust. I felt honored, once again, to know he will come to me about anything and isn’t embarrassed to ask questions. We talked about it for a while and he shared the other topics touched upon in class and then he went off on his way. Whew, one more conversation under my belt!

A week later, while having dinner, he casually said, “I can’t believe the kinds of things kids in seventh grade are doing.” I looked at him wide-eyed and asked, “So, what are they doing?”

“It’s gross,” he answered.

“Ah, I know what you’re talking about,” I said. (Mother’s intuition.) He wasn’t convinced, but I assured him that I did and it was something we would talk about later. He tested me, though, to see if I truly understood — he asked me to say the acronym for it; which I correctly answered, “BJ.”

He accepted this and explained, “She’s my friend and I told her not to do it.”

“That’s good,” I said. “You should encourage her to refrain from doing things she doesn’t really understand.”

“Oh, we have,” he said. “All of her friends have.”

At this point I couldn’t go much further into the conversation, because our younger children were at the table, but what a reality check, once again, about the things our kids are talking about at such a young age.

So where does this leave parents — and what should we do?

1.) We have to allow our children the space to discuss these things with us, because if they don’t feel they can trust their parents enough to discuss these topics, they will seek answers elsewhere. (And very likely get incorrect information.)

One of the things I learned at the Internet Safety presentation I attended and wrote about earlier, was how children will seek answers to their questions and if a parent isn’t willing or present to have these conversations, someone preying on children will be more than willing to fulfill that role; kids will often go to the internet to find these things out. We may think our children are too young and have the greatest of intention about protecting their innocence, but the reality is this is what they’re facing in today’s world.

2.) Support your child’s curiosity about topics such as these even if it makes you feel uncomfortable. Be honest and let them know how you feel about the impact this has on young people, but refrain from judgment about it.

Kids are naturally curious at this age, but if they have an open line of communication with you, their parent, and you express how you feel in a loving, supportive way, they will remember to respect your advice when faced with tough choices. The first line of defense for children is our role as a parent. We have to honor their desire to know things and trust our intuition about how to parent our child, but most importantly we have to be honest with them about how we feel and the impact this can have on their life.

3.) Don’t allow your imagination to take over and assume your kids are going to try something because you’ve discussed it with them. Be the FIRST one to talk about it with them!

Oftentimes when a parent sits down and has an honest conversation about difficult topics, kids are more prone to listen to what the parent has to say and in some ways becomes turned off by the idea. If a child talks to a friend or someone on the internet about sex, drugs or alcohol, it can become glorified and made into something exciting. This is more likely going to peak the child’s curiosity and desire to try it.

Unfortunately, it has become much more difficult for parents today to raise children in a safe, innocent environment, but we can provide a solid, secure foundation for their growth and development. We have to pay attention to what they’re doing, learning, and who they’re getting their information from. Be the first line of defense for your child.

I recently began this blog on technology and child safety to share resources and information on a variety of issues our tweens and teens are facing. I have also included links to blogs, articles and support tools to assist parents with becoming educated and empowered with how to protect their children.