“Mom, what’s an abortion?”

Oh, to be the parent of a tween!

Last week my son came home from school and after settling in, sat down at the kitchen table and said, “Mom, what’s an abortion?”

At this point, I am used to the open conversations we have about these sorts of topics, but it never ceases to amaze me the things kids in middle school are exposed to today. To think, when I was his age we were just beginning to be taught about puberty and the anatomical differences between boys and girls.

He shared that his Family Life teacher isn’t allowed to discuss this topic in detail, but encouraged the kids to ask someone they trust. I felt honored, once again, to know he will come to me about anything and isn’t embarrassed to ask questions. We talked about it for a while and he shared the other topics touched upon in class and then he went off on his way. Whew, one more conversation under my belt!

A week later, while having dinner, he casually said, “I can’t believe the kinds of things kids in seventh grade are doing.” I looked at him wide-eyed and asked, “So, what are they doing?”

“It’s gross,” he answered.

“Ah, I know what you’re talking about,” I said. (Mother’s intuition.) He wasn’t convinced, but I assured him that I did and it was something we would talk about later. He tested me, though, to see if I truly understood — he asked me to say the acronym for it; which I correctly answered, “BJ.”

He accepted this and explained, “She’s my friend and I told her not to do it.”

“That’s good,” I said. “You should encourage her to refrain from doing things she doesn’t really understand.”

“Oh, we have,” he said. “All of her friends have.”

At this point I couldn’t go much further into the conversation, because our younger children were at the table, but what a reality check, once again, about the things our kids are talking about at such a young age.

So where does this leave parents — and what should we do?

1.) We have to allow our children the space to discuss these things with us, because if they don’t feel they can trust their parents enough to discuss these topics, they will seek answers elsewhere. (And very likely get incorrect information.)

One of the things I learned at the Internet Safety presentation I attended and wrote about earlier, was how children will seek answers to their questions and if a parent isn’t willing or present to have these conversations, someone preying on children will be more than willing to fulfill that role; kids will often go to the internet to find these things out. We may think our children are too young and have the greatest of intention about protecting their innocence, but the reality is this is what they’re facing in today’s world.

2.) Support your child’s curiosity about topics such as these even if it makes you feel uncomfortable. Be honest and let them know how you feel about the impact this has on young people, but refrain from judgment about it.

Kids are naturally curious at this age, but if they have an open line of communication with you, their parent, and you express how you feel in a loving, supportive way, they will remember to respect your advice when faced with tough choices. The first line of defense for children is our role as a parent. We have to honor their desire to know things and trust our intuition about how to parent our child, but most importantly we have to be honest with them about how we feel and the impact this can have on their life.

3.) Don’t allow your imagination to take over and assume your kids are going to try something because you’ve discussed it with them. Be the FIRST one to talk about it with them!

Oftentimes when a parent sits down and has an honest conversation about difficult topics, kids are more prone to listen to what the parent has to say and in some ways becomes turned off by the idea. If a child talks to a friend or someone on the internet about sex, drugs or alcohol, it can become glorified and made into something exciting. This is more likely going to peak the child’s curiosity and desire to try it.

Unfortunately, it has become much more difficult for parents today to raise children in a safe, innocent environment, but we can provide a solid, secure foundation for their growth and development. We have to pay attention to what they’re doing, learning, and who they’re getting their information from. Be the first line of defense for your child.

I recently began this blog on technology and child safety to share resources and information on a variety of issues our tweens and teens are facing. I have also included links to blogs, articles and support tools to assist parents with becoming educated and empowered with how to protect their children.

Protecting Our Children On the Web

Earlier this month our PTO President and I attended a fantastic presentation in Fairfax County, VA put on by an organization called Enough Is Enough. Their mission is to “Make the internet safer for children and their families.” The tools and resources they have compiled for parents over the past two years are invaluable; the intensity of the information is scary; and the message is critical to the safety of our children and their future. So what can you do as a parent to be the first line of defense for your child?

I used breakfast time this morning to chat with my oldest son about some of the things I learned. To my surprise he was interested and attentive to the information I had to share.

One thing I learned is that 7 out of 10 youth have been exposed to some form of inappropriate content and 79% of it is viewed in the home. My son confided he had seen an image while at a friend’s house and luckily, he didn’t feel ashamed or scared to tell me. I reassured him it is totally normal for a young person to want to see a naked woman (or man) and when approached in a healthy manner there is nothing wrong with the desire to know or understand more about how the sexual body works.

Parents fear having these conversations with their children either out of their own embarrassment or discomfort about their children having knowledge about sex. The problem is, kids do “know” about sex and have access to information about it at their fingertips and what they can’t easily find an answer to they will gladly ask a stranger who will be more than happy to provide an answer for them and often not in the manner in which a parent would approve of.

The first line of defense a parent can rely on starts with the bond they establish with their child. Children who don’t have trust with a caregiver are more vulnerable than children who are connected.

Second is the need for parents to become educated about what their tweens and teens are exposed to or have access to. Just because a child tells you they aren’t doing something doesn’t mean it’s true. Pay attention to their actions or behavior or what I like to call- tuning into your child (using your intuition). Educate yourself about social networks, texting, IMing, and other online activities your teen engages in. If you aren’t aware of the potential dangers your children will face, how will you know how to respond?

Finally, don’t be afraid to be the parent. Oftentimes we work hard to be our children’s friends when what they need is someone who will establish boundaries and be their parent. It’s one way kids know their parents love and care for them. Ask questions, set limits, be invasive if the situation warrants; take back your authority as the experienced adult in the house, but always remember to be respectful, listen and encourage your child to be open and honest with you about whatever they need to talk about.

The fact is kids are going to be curious and they will find away to satisfy their curiosity. As parents, we need to teach them how to manage the information they receive so they can make the right choices.

Tara Paterson, ACPI^TM Certified Coach For Parents,
Co-author of Raising Intuitive Children (New Page Books, spring '09)