Oh, to be the parent of a tween!
Last week my son came home from school and after settling in, sat down at the kitchen table and said, “Mom, what’s an abortion?”
At this point, I am used to the open conversations we have about these sorts of topics, but it never ceases to amaze me the things kids in middle school are exposed to today. To think, when I was his age we were just beginning to be taught about puberty and the anatomical differences between boys and girls.
He shared that his Family Life teacher isn’t allowed to discuss this topic in detail, but encouraged the kids to ask someone they trust. I felt honored, once again, to know he will come to me about anything and isn’t embarrassed to ask questions. We talked about it for a while and he shared the other topics touched upon in class and then he went off on his way. Whew, one more conversation under my belt!
A week later, while having dinner, he casually said, “I can’t believe the kinds of things kids in seventh grade are doing.” I looked at him wide-eyed and asked, “So, what are they doing?”
“It’s gross,” he answered.
“Ah, I know what you’re talking about,” I said. (Mother’s intuition.) He wasn’t convinced, but I assured him that I did and it was something we would talk about later. He tested me, though, to see if I truly understood — he asked me to say the acronym for it; which I correctly answered, “BJ.”
He accepted this and explained, “She’s my friend and I told her not to do it.”
“That’s good,” I said. “You should encourage her to refrain from doing things she doesn’t really understand.”
“Oh, we have,” he said. “All of her friends have.”
At this point I couldn’t go much further into the conversation, because our younger children were at the table, but what a reality check, once again, about the things our kids are talking about at such a young age.
So where does this leave parents — and what should we do?
1.) We have to allow our children the space to discuss these things with us, because if they don’t feel they can trust their parents enough to discuss these topics, they will seek answers elsewhere. (And very likely get incorrect information.)
One of the things I learned at the Internet Safety presentation I attended and wrote about earlier, was how children will seek answers to their questions and if a parent isn’t willing or present to have these conversations, someone preying on children will be more than willing to fulfill that role; kids will often go to the internet to find these things out. We may think our children are too young and have the greatest of intention about protecting their innocence, but the reality is this is what they’re facing in today’s world.
2.) Support your child’s curiosity about topics such as these even if it makes you feel uncomfortable. Be honest and let them know how you feel about the impact this has on young people, but refrain from judgment about it.
Kids are naturally curious at this age, but if they have an open line of communication with you, their parent, and you express how you feel in a loving, supportive way, they will remember to respect your advice when faced with tough choices. The first line of defense for children is our role as a parent. We have to honor their desire to know things and trust our intuition about how to parent our child, but most importantly we have to be honest with them about how we feel and the impact this can have on their life.
3.) Don’t allow your imagination to take over and assume your kids are going to try something because you’ve discussed it with them. Be the FIRST one to talk about it with them!
Oftentimes when a parent sits down and has an honest conversation about difficult topics, kids are more prone to listen to what the parent has to say and in some ways becomes turned off by the idea. If a child talks to a friend or someone on the internet about sex, drugs or alcohol, it can become glorified and made into something exciting. This is more likely going to peak the child’s curiosity and desire to try it.
Unfortunately, it has become much more difficult for parents today to raise children in a safe, innocent environment, but we can provide a solid, secure foundation for their growth and development. We have to pay attention to what they’re doing, learning, and who they’re getting their information from. Be the first line of defense for your child.
I recently began this blog on technology and child safety to share resources and information on a variety of issues our tweens and teens are facing. I have also included links to blogs, articles and support tools to assist parents with becoming educated and empowered with how to protect their children.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Post Your Question
Ask us your question about technology and internet safety and we will find an answer for you!
Popular Slang Terms Kids are Using on IM
LOL- Laugh out loud
26Y4U- Too Sexy For You
BRB- Be Right Back
F2T- Free to talk
B4N- By for now
H8- Hate
PAW- Parents are watching
WYGOWM- Will You Go Out With Me
WAN2- Want to
A/S/L- Age/Sex/Location
AAF- As a friend
AAK- Asleep At the Keyboard
SYS- See You Soon
26Y4U- Too Sexy For You
BRB- Be Right Back
F2T- Free to talk
B4N- By for now
H8- Hate
PAW- Parents are watching
WYGOWM- Will You Go Out With Me
WAN2- Want to
A/S/L- Age/Sex/Location
AAF- As a friend
AAK- Asleep At the Keyboard
SYS- See You Soon
Overview of Available Cell Phone Plans for Families
Sprint Service and Phone
* Allows parents to set wireless ‘boundaries’ for the phone to work.
* Controls which contacts can be entered into the phone book.
* Restricts incoming calls to those that are programmed by the parent.
Cost: $79.99; the parental control feature is part of the phone and can be added to your family plan.
Verizon Service and Phone
* “Chaperone Service” parents can restrict numbers and calling times
* “Child Zone Service” allows parents to locate your child’s phone from your phone or computer. You set up the locations such as home or school and receive text messages when the phone leaves those areas.
Cost: The Chaperone service must be activated by a Family Share account, which is $9.99 per month. Chaperone with Child Zone feature costs $19.99 a month.
AT&T “Smart Limits”
* Limits for number of texts and instant messages
* Limits dollar amount of downloadable purchases (ringtones, games, etc)
*Limits times of day the phone can be used
*Limits who the phone can call or text (incoming and outgoing)
*Limits Internet content access
FireFly Phone
* Has 5 buttons to store up to 20 numbers, has designated buttons for ! ! ‘Mom’and ‘Dad’ and ‘emergency’.
* PIN protection allows parents to limit incoming and outgoing calls to numbers stored in the phone book.
*Also has upgrades: GlowPhone $49.99, FlyPhone, $99.99
TicTalk
*Kids ages 6 and up and comes with five educational games
*Parents can put the child’s spelling list in to be used in Hangman.
*Parents control incoming/outgoing calls, the times of day to call
* Cost: $99, $9.99 a month (AT&T only) also pre-paid cards
Whereifone
*For ages 6 to 10 built in GPS, fed to you via web or phone access
*Parents can see where the phone has been- get periodic updates.
* A 20-number phone book where parents can restrict calls
* An “SOS” panic button for emergencies.
* Cost: $80, $20 per month plans
* Allows parents to set wireless ‘boundaries’ for the phone to work.
* Controls which contacts can be entered into the phone book.
* Restricts incoming calls to those that are programmed by the parent.
Cost: $79.99; the parental control feature is part of the phone and can be added to your family plan.
Verizon Service and Phone
* “Chaperone Service” parents can restrict numbers and calling times
* “Child Zone Service” allows parents to locate your child’s phone from your phone or computer. You set up the locations such as home or school and receive text messages when the phone leaves those areas.
Cost: The Chaperone service must be activated by a Family Share account, which is $9.99 per month. Chaperone with Child Zone feature costs $19.99 a month.
AT&T “Smart Limits”
* Limits for number of texts and instant messages
* Limits dollar amount of downloadable purchases (ringtones, games, etc)
*Limits times of day the phone can be used
*Limits who the phone can call or text (incoming and outgoing)
*Limits Internet content access
FireFly Phone
* Has 5 buttons to store up to 20 numbers, has designated buttons for ! ! ‘Mom’and ‘Dad’ and ‘emergency’.
* PIN protection allows parents to limit incoming and outgoing calls to numbers stored in the phone book.
*Also has upgrades: GlowPhone $49.99, FlyPhone, $99.99
TicTalk
*Kids ages 6 and up and comes with five educational games
*Parents can put the child’s spelling list in to be used in Hangman.
*Parents control incoming/outgoing calls, the times of day to call
* Cost: $99, $9.99 a month (AT&T only) also pre-paid cards
Whereifone
*For ages 6 to 10 built in GPS, fed to you via web or phone access
*Parents can see where the phone has been- get periodic updates.
* A 20-number phone book where parents can restrict calls
* An “SOS” panic button for emergencies.
* Cost: $80, $20 per month plans
Sample Cell Phone Contract
_________ will be given a cell phone for his/her birthday and will be used with the discussed following rules:
_________All Contacts in the Phone Book must be approved by Mom or Dad
_________No Phone calls after 9pm weekdays, 10pm weekends unless they are to Mom and Dad, or pre-approved by us.
_________Our Plan allows maximum of 200 text messages a month.
_________No Cell Phone at any meal table or during family time (may ask permission if school related).
_________Web Surfing has been disabled.
_________If asked to turn off/stop playing/get off cell phone, must do so immediately.
_________When at home will only use the regular phone instead of cell phone to make calls.
________When out with friends will always have cell phone with you and ‘on’ so mom and dad can reach you if needed.
If the following rules have not been met, we will have to implement the following discussed consequences:
________If you go over in texts, you must pay the difference (the phone company charges 10 cents per text)
________If you go over in minutes, you must pay the difference for that month, if it happens again, then your allotted time for usage will decrease (8pm weekdays, no cell phone on Sundays).
_________If asked more than twice to turn off/put down cell phone, or the phone is used during meal or family time, personal phone privileges will be removed for a day (only may be used to call mom and dad).
________This is a one-month trial period, if all rules are followed for thirty days, mom and dad will increase hours on weekends.
________This contract will be reevaluated every six months as _____ gets older to possibly receive more texts, web surf or receive extra money for ring tones etc.
Signed:
Date:
(courtesy of Vanessa Van Petten, www.OnTeensToday.com)
_________All Contacts in the Phone Book must be approved by Mom or Dad
_________No Phone calls after 9pm weekdays, 10pm weekends unless they are to Mom and Dad, or pre-approved by us.
_________Our Plan allows maximum of 200 text messages a month.
_________No Cell Phone at any meal table or during family time (may ask permission if school related).
_________Web Surfing has been disabled.
_________If asked to turn off/stop playing/get off cell phone, must do so immediately.
_________When at home will only use the regular phone instead of cell phone to make calls.
________When out with friends will always have cell phone with you and ‘on’ so mom and dad can reach you if needed.
If the following rules have not been met, we will have to implement the following discussed consequences:
________If you go over in texts, you must pay the difference (the phone company charges 10 cents per text)
________If you go over in minutes, you must pay the difference for that month, if it happens again, then your allotted time for usage will decrease (8pm weekdays, no cell phone on Sundays).
_________If asked more than twice to turn off/put down cell phone, or the phone is used during meal or family time, personal phone privileges will be removed for a day (only may be used to call mom and dad).
________This is a one-month trial period, if all rules are followed for thirty days, mom and dad will increase hours on weekends.
________This contract will be reevaluated every six months as _____ gets older to possibly receive more texts, web surf or receive extra money for ring tones etc.
Signed:
Date:
(courtesy of Vanessa Van Petten, www.OnTeensToday.com)
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Protecting Our Children On the Web
Earlier this month our PTO President and I attended a fantastic presentation in Fairfax County, VA put on by an organization called Enough Is Enough. Their mission is to “Make the internet safer for children and their families.” The tools and resources they have compiled for parents over the past two years are invaluable; the intensity of the information is scary; and the message is critical to the safety of our children and their future. So what can you do as a parent to be the first line of defense for your child?
I used breakfast time this morning to chat with my oldest son about some of the things I learned. To my surprise he was interested and attentive to the information I had to share.
One thing I learned is that 7 out of 10 youth have been exposed to some form of inappropriate content and 79% of it is viewed in the home. My son confided he had seen an image while at a friend’s house and luckily, he didn’t feel ashamed or scared to tell me. I reassured him it is totally normal for a young person to want to see a naked woman (or man) and when approached in a healthy manner there is nothing wrong with the desire to know or understand more about how the sexual body works.
Parents fear having these conversations with their children either out of their own embarrassment or discomfort about their children having knowledge about sex. The problem is, kids do “know” about sex and have access to information about it at their fingertips and what they can’t easily find an answer to they will gladly ask a stranger who will be more than happy to provide an answer for them and often not in the manner in which a parent would approve of.
The first line of defense a parent can rely on starts with the bond they establish with their child. Children who don’t have trust with a caregiver are more vulnerable than children who are connected.
Second is the need for parents to become educated about what their tweens and teens are exposed to or have access to. Just because a child tells you they aren’t doing something doesn’t mean it’s true. Pay attention to their actions or behavior or what I like to call- tuning into your child (using your intuition). Educate yourself about social networks, texting, IMing, and other online activities your teen engages in. If you aren’t aware of the potential dangers your children will face, how will you know how to respond?
Finally, don’t be afraid to be the parent. Oftentimes we work hard to be our children’s friends when what they need is someone who will establish boundaries and be their parent. It’s one way kids know their parents love and care for them. Ask questions, set limits, be invasive if the situation warrants; take back your authority as the experienced adult in the house, but always remember to be respectful, listen and encourage your child to be open and honest with you about whatever they need to talk about.
The fact is kids are going to be curious and they will find away to satisfy their curiosity. As parents, we need to teach them how to manage the information they receive so they can make the right choices.
Tara Paterson, ACPITM Certified Coach For Parents,
Co-author of Raising Intuitive Children (New Page Books, spring '09)
I used breakfast time this morning to chat with my oldest son about some of the things I learned. To my surprise he was interested and attentive to the information I had to share.
One thing I learned is that 7 out of 10 youth have been exposed to some form of inappropriate content and 79% of it is viewed in the home. My son confided he had seen an image while at a friend’s house and luckily, he didn’t feel ashamed or scared to tell me. I reassured him it is totally normal for a young person to want to see a naked woman (or man) and when approached in a healthy manner there is nothing wrong with the desire to know or understand more about how the sexual body works.
Parents fear having these conversations with their children either out of their own embarrassment or discomfort about their children having knowledge about sex. The problem is, kids do “know” about sex and have access to information about it at their fingertips and what they can’t easily find an answer to they will gladly ask a stranger who will be more than happy to provide an answer for them and often not in the manner in which a parent would approve of.
The first line of defense a parent can rely on starts with the bond they establish with their child. Children who don’t have trust with a caregiver are more vulnerable than children who are connected.
Second is the need for parents to become educated about what their tweens and teens are exposed to or have access to. Just because a child tells you they aren’t doing something doesn’t mean it’s true. Pay attention to their actions or behavior or what I like to call- tuning into your child (using your intuition). Educate yourself about social networks, texting, IMing, and other online activities your teen engages in. If you aren’t aware of the potential dangers your children will face, how will you know how to respond?
Finally, don’t be afraid to be the parent. Oftentimes we work hard to be our children’s friends when what they need is someone who will establish boundaries and be their parent. It’s one way kids know their parents love and care for them. Ask questions, set limits, be invasive if the situation warrants; take back your authority as the experienced adult in the house, but always remember to be respectful, listen and encourage your child to be open and honest with you about whatever they need to talk about.
The fact is kids are going to be curious and they will find away to satisfy their curiosity. As parents, we need to teach them how to manage the information they receive so they can make the right choices.
Tara Paterson, ACPITM Certified Coach For Parents,
Co-author of Raising Intuitive Children (New Page Books, spring '09)
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